A year ago on the 19th, we were seeing Clayton for the 1st time and saying goodbye. We made sure we had his grave marker cemented before that anniversary, even after getting hit with the forced move. One thing about having so much going on, it's hard to dwell on anything. Getting pulled in too many directions. When I said that we have faith it will all work out I really meant it. You see, when I knew Clayton had died (4 days before delivering him) I was not only in shock and so hurt, but I remember very vividly telling Mom that I thought it was "the meanest thing in world" that I had to deliver him. I'd carried him for 32 weeks, had seen him in several ultrasounds, very vividly in a dream, and already knew his personality. It was an all encompassing depression knowing my sweet baby was dead, but still inside me. But then we had this blessing of seeing him face to face and holding him and being able to bury him. And I understood why Heavenly Father would make delivery necessary. What I thought was so cruel, was actually mercy.
Today, when the nurse that had helped me with Clayton's delivery hooked me up for Damon's NST, she told me about a mother that just lost her full term baby. A woman who is 35, wants a baby desperately, and is "sweet." While a 16yr old "royally messed up girl" gave birth to a healthy baby and took her home yesterday. She said, "why does it always happen to the sweetest people, while the snots walk away with the perfect baby?" I was shocked by her bluntness, but understood where she was coming from. Our burdens usually are our blessings, and our blessings are usually our burdens.
1 comment:
I'm glad you were able to take the time to mark this anniversary with something tangible even though you were moving. Your boys are blessed indeed to have you for their mom.
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