Year in review

As I look back, I see two lessons in particular, that I really don't want to forget.
I also want to express it, before I lose the ability to... hopefully I haven't already. :-/

#1 Be Gentle: A friend shared this link.  

This is a long story, but it's worth it.  I can completely relate in so many ways, and I think my feelings are especially strong.

http://bravegirlsclub.com/blog/?p=1411

 #2 Be Humble: This is very intertwined with #1.  I think many of us assume arrogance is loud and boastful.  Not always.  Sometimes it's quiet.  Like believing that others' sins are worse than our own, and focusing on informing them of what we think they should be doing, or just outright pointing the finger in disgust, instead of focusing on our own need for improvement.  Or like believing that we have somehow earned prosperity and that those who don't have it, must be lazy and therefore earned their circumstances.

Now to explain where I'm coming from.

I'll tell a little from different viewpoints.

The other day at PCMC, we watched a mother with a child that was in a wheelchair and screaming.  I don't know what this child's disabilities are, but it seemed to me that she was desiring comfort... that she was not getting.  Her mother sat there and made odd, baby talk (even though the girl didn't look like a baby to me) statements to her.  In fact it came across as being condescending or demeaning.  I was immediately uncomfortable.  One of the other mothers there said to me, "Why doesn't she pick her up?!"  Well, yes, I'll admit it, this was my thought too.  I myself was overwhelmed with keeping track of our three boys, and holding Damon, who was fussing.  But I had a feeling come over me, "Don't judge this woman... you have NO idea what happened before they got here."

Several years ago, I wouldn't have hesitated in being disgusted with her.

But after being on the receiving end of criticism so often myself, I'm a lot less willing to dish it out.

I don't know of a way to soften this, so I'll just say it:

I've been accused of "making excuses" to miss church.  What hurts is not the accusation itself, but who accused me of it, surely they would know things are not always what they seem... and why didn't they ask me and truly listen? I've had huge health problems, both with my heart and nerve damage that have caused everything from numbness and extreme clumsiness, to significant pain... that I cannot take pain reducers for because of drug interactions with medication I already have to take to survive.  Most weekends I literally crash (the symptoms worsen when I try to relax or rest) after a long week of running the boys to all their needed appts.  Many weekends I can barely function, let alone sit through 3hrs wrangling 1-3 boys that are stronger than I am into some sort of reverence.  The fact is, I'd much rather be there taking the sacrament and listening, than trying to give a lesson to the boys at home.

Just to nip this one in the bud ;)... I no longer sing.  My throat goes into muscle spasms that stops me the minute I try.  It does the same thing when I have to speak for anything longer than a couple minutes at a time.

I remember the impatient and unkind reactions to Aidan and Jacen's extreme behavior before they were finally diagnosed and received treatment.  A few still insist even now that their behavior is unacceptable (though they are actually pretty good) and that I should be disciplining them for it.  The intense sensory issues make simple tasks down right painful and/or terrifying for them.  Aidan just had a cluster of seizures right in front of them, and of course they have no idea.  Jace was up much of the night with nightmares and jerks and nose bleeds.

I also remember the horror I felt when I realized the times I'd been down right irritated with Jacen for what seemed to be constant complaining to get attention, was actually crying for help from lots of pain, and severe fatigue, without the ability to use words.  And for the times I'd gotten upset when Aidan was seemingly being careless, turned out to be the very times he needed the most for me to be patient and gentle... he was having a seizure.

Most people don't know these things because they don't even know us.  Then there are those who know us, but don't really know us by their own choosing.  I'm in both of those categories with most people as well, because my life does not afford me the time to get that involved with those outside my family.

Now, if I'd gone up to that woman, as a stranger, or even a family member (hypothetically of course) and criticized her in some way for not picking up her daughter, what would that have accomplished?  Nothing positive, I know that for sure.  In fact, I'd have offended her, embarrassed her daughter, and condemned myself, at best.  If I'd not had too much on my own plate at the time, I could have calmly sat next to them and tried to reduce the tension with being gentle, and then been able to help her help her daughter, because I would have been a friend, not a jerk.  Keeping the, "I know better than you," out of the picture creates a much better result.

The last example I will give, pretty much sums it all up.  I've been accused of not being grateful.

I don't always say what I'm grateful for because of the explanation that would be required to express it.  I have much difficulty with concentrating now and can't spit it out correctly fast enough.  And the biggest reason, I have such personal, very private, and emotional reasons for my thankfulness.  It's just too tender to express verbally.

Heavenly Father has heard my constant prayer of thanks.  He knows how I can't even come up with words to express the gratitude for my parents and their sacrifices... it's just too far reaching, too close to my heart.  He knows how elated I was (and still am) when we finally found a temporary medication combination that is helping Aidan.  He knows how truly, fully grateful I am the power didn't go out those nights of bitter cold. (Only we know what having no power would have done to Aidan.)  He knows of my gratitude for a sweet therapist who lent me her boots this winter, and another who let me cancel half her day just because I needed a day without the crazy running.  He knows how grateful I am when the sun comes out and warms my trembling body.  He knows of my relief when they removed a pre cancerous tumor from my colon.  He knows how grateful I was to be able to hold Clayton in my arms and see his perfect precious face and tiny 2lb body before saying goodbye, even though just two days before I'd said I thought it was the meanest thing in the world to have to deliver him.  He knows how intensely grateful I am everyday I pick up my boys from therapy and they are still safe.  (So few understand how amazing that is.)  He knows how tender my feelings are when I get a hug and kiss from Aidan with him actually stating, "I love you mommy," or watching Jace walk across the room without falling.  He knows how incredibly grateful I am for my friend who takes good care of my boys during appts that I can only take one instead of all three.  He knows how I felt when we were sealed as a family... He knows how what Aidan experienced at that sealing and said was such a sweet, tender, incredibly personal blessing.  He heard me when I almost fell out of the burb the other day, but thankfully didn't.  He hears all of the countless little under my breath thank yous.
Because He is perfect and just and merciful.