Change

Years ago, before even conceiving our oldest, I would think about where we were headed with things like a permanent home and careers.  

I wasn't worried about children and wasn't even seriously thinking about having them.

Aidan's pregnancy was a complete shock.  I wasn't supposed to even be able to get pregnant, yet there I was puking my guts out and severely dehydrated.
Shock turned to excitement and planning.

But then things took such an unexpected turn, that felt like a derailment. 

I still can't talk about that time without my voice changing.  We lost so much ground from shear selfishness of several individuals.  I'm not trying to play a victim, I'm simply stating a fact.  People do really selfish things that effect others (both loved ones and not) for generations.

The biggest effects of this derailment took place shortly after giving birth to Aidan.

He was 9mos old when we found ourselves moving back to ID.  It was the last place I wanted to be.  Let alone stay!  I saw it as a temporary detour until we got things back on track.

Well, that's not at all what it turned out to be.  Things actually got worse.  And more was done that put our boys in even more challenging circumstances.  I'd had no idea what was to come later with Aidan.  And then Jace, baby Clay, and Damon.  

We drive to Clay's grave at least twice a week.  As we go on these drives between therapies, we take about every route possible.  I remember taking drives like this on these very streets (and seeing the fields that are now neighborhoods I'm driving through) as a child.  What's weird, I don't feel like I've "come home again."  Too much is different.

Now our stay here has become permanent.  Our boys need stability.  We need it.  Aidan needs the cooler climate.  Therapists and agencies with specific people who bless our boys lives, are here and nowhere else.

When I came up with an idea of creating a special place for the boys that involved beginning with a garden train planter, I got really excited.  At first I wanted it to just be a surprise, but then I realized the boys would benefit from being part of the planning and executing of it all.

So I showed Aidan the planter and explained my plan.  Then asked him if he wanted to fill the trucks with rocks and logs or actually plant something.

His response took me off guard.
He wants to plant flowers in it and put it at Clay's grave.
This will take some doing.  It's just big enough his daddy will have to weld something to hold it on.
And I'll have to either come up with another one, or something different for our spot at home.
Oh Aidan, what an angel you are.
I haven't said anything about it, but we said goodbye to Clay 3yrs ago tomorrow.