Yesterday, two years ago, Aidan passed away in his bed at home.
It was a Sunday morning. A beautiful Fall day. Sunny, bright, not too hot while not too cold, just perfect, like Aidan. But my heart now had a giant hole, I was and still am, completely heartbroken. His brothers, though had been taken to play safely at another's house, were utterly crushed to come home and no longer see Aidan. They've never been the same again. They always say they miss him and Clayton.
I recently learned that they resent having been taken to not be with Aidan while he passed.
Some of my favorite pics of him...
For his anniversary, we picked flowers from our yard, and made the trip to the cemetery.
As we drove under the aspen trees at the entry, I knew Aidan had come to visit as well.
Because the weather was just like the day he rode in Herbie- chilly and rainy- we let the boys out of the car too. They took off, ignoring us completely- something they haven't done since being with Aidan. Of course we've had times of them not cooperating, but this was different, it involves not even responding to our calls.
I, again, knew that they'd been given a gift, that Lincoln and I weren't allowed to participate in... whether it was just meant for them because of their closeness, or we aren't pure enough, or whatever... they were given special time with him, that we weren't. It was just like old times with them. Exploring, with complete disregard for my agenda. :) Only difference, was instead of being loud as a herd of elephants, they were quiet as snow. Lincoln and I just stood there, watching, with amazement. I have no idea if he knew what was happening. But I did.
I managed to get Damon's attention long enough for a few pics. But then it was right back to wondering and exploring while totally ignoring Lincoln and I.
He was obsessed with this flag though... made me wonder if Aidan approves, being his favorite color and a version of the phrase I've always said. Damon has been saying many things lately, that sound just like Aidan, or as if he's responding to him. And his constant saying he wants our family to be together again, has a new intensity that was only expressed during the months right after his passing. Don't get me wrong, he's always expressed it since, but it's the intensity I'm referring to. I think he is especially in tune with Aidan and Clayton right now. There are spiritually naive physicians that think I put this on him... he is doing it completely on his own.
The pics were, very disorganized. So reminding me of the days of them with Aidan, when I'd cry while driving home from Dr appts. hahaha
Yes, Lincoln has insisted, against my pleas, on killing the grass around my brother's stone, and in-between them... just like my father would have. Would someone please explain to me why they insist on killing perfectly good grass, just because it requires a little trimming??
After our cemetery visit, we took a care package to EIRMC, on Aidan's behalf, for a child of their choosing. Since there wasn't a child in the PICU, they offered either to keep it for an eventual patient there, or to give it to a child on the Peds floor. I immediately felt the confirmation that it was to go to someone in Peds. So Lincoln and the boys dropped me off and I took it in to the head nurse. She asked about Aidan and his brothers, so she and the life care specialist could share it with the recipient. I answered all her questions, held back my tears, showed the contents of our gift, and left, thinking about how the room Aidan had always been in, except once, was right next to us. As I left, she said she would give it to a 9yr old boy. I knew Aidan wasn't with me at the hospital... I don't blame him for letting me do that alone... he was never with us at PCMC either. He'd been with us on the way, but left as soon as we made it.
I could go on and on about what Aidan was like. But you already know.
1 comment:
HUGS!
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