Holidays

Hey, I've got a few pics again!  So I'll add some in, even though they don't have anything directly to do with my post. :)  I've been working on it for a while.

Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays have been more of a chore than anything else for several years.

First, we always ended up sick when we went to family gatherings.  And I mean the puking kind of sick.  For Aidan the risk is just too high.  Vomiting is already such a major part of his life.  Illnesses even as small as a cold sends him into seizing and vomiting so severe he ends up dehydrated and in the ER.  The times he's ended up with a stomach virus or food poisoning has been so awful and scary!

(I won't even go into what it does to my own body when these sort of illnesses hit me.  We have not used the referrals I was given a year ago for a neurologist and cardiologist.  We just don't have the money to pay for the tests that would be ordered, MRIs, EEGs, EKGs, echo's, etc are staggering, especially when they pile up.  I've made the decision that my health will not be pursued until the medical debt we already have, and Lincoln's student loans, are paid off in full.)

When the regression hit, it all got much worse.  The sensory issues caused an avalanche of problems for both Aidan and Jace in social gatherings of any kind.  The loss of speech just packed on even more.  Just because they couldn't talk didn't mean they didn't see *the looks* and understand the comments like, "What's wrong with him?"  This has affected our whole family socially in ways that people really can't understand unless they have experienced it or truly know us well.  Those who really know me, know that pulling back like that was very difficult for me on a personal level.  I've really missed just being able to focus on friends, and be helpful.

I went through a period of time of feeling tremendous guilt for no longer being a support to others, and for not having taken more opportunities to do such when I'd had the chance.  Still do.
I felt the sting of harsh words against me for my decisions regarding these social situations.  

I quickly knew who was a true friend/family and who was not.
My faith, I suppose, was tested.  I could have walked away from church several times, over very mean and painful things said and done.  Many people do.  Oddly, I didn't even consider that, though that is part of what was being spread about me at one point.  Ironic.

It's reminded me of situations at work years ago, where it was assumed or believed I'd done really shady things that I had in fact not done, not even remotely close.  I'd been blamed for what others had done and no one bothered to find out the truth.  Then, it just hurt tremendously, but since I'd never done anything so harsh to others, I didn't really look in the mirror.

But more recently, being on the "talked about" end, has caused me to reevaluate.
I remember getting annoyed with things that just plain didn't matter.  Or, that if I'd made the effort to ask and listen, I'd have found out there was a legitimate reason for someone's actions.  Or that what appeared to be taking place, wasn't at all what was actually going on.   Judging them in my heart was wrong, no matter how small.

If we knew each other more, we'd most likely find out that others aren't just, "being lazy, greedy, or stupid."  Of course some people actually are being that way sometimes.
But I do believe we'd find that more times than not, we were incorrect in our assumptions.

I have a particular situation in mind, as well as a larger picture.
As Thanksgiving approaches, it brings back a flood of really hurtful memories that I'm just not prepared to deal with yet.  I will in time, I'm working on it.

On the other end though- I am in awe, again, of the love and sacrifices particular family and friends are willing to make for our little family.  Words are just so inadequate to express the tender feelings I have regarding things like the house, (I will eventually post about this, just not ready yet.) our boys' needs, and my need to talk about our daily craziness.  I hope they know how grateful I am.  I try to express it, but it never is enough.