Light and Life

I've been thinking about this for months prior, just haven't had the time to blog about it.

Those who've known me for more than a few years, know that we have four sons, not just three.

Between Jace and Damon, was Clayton Dominic.  There is very special meaning to his name...

So I'll go back... Right after Jace was born, a horrific, dangerous pregnancy already, I started getting the feeling like we should have another child.  This seemed ludicrous to me.  And to Lincoln.  We both insisted it was too dangerous and ignored the promptings.  They kept getting louder and more frequent.  So four months after Jace was born, we leaped with faith and got pregnant again.  To be honest, we were scared out of our minds.  There was no, "glory to God, we'll do whatever He wants." It was more like, "please please please please please help us do this!!!"

So I searched for a new obgyn (previous one was a major not again!) and prayed he would be better... he seemed to be so until we were right at the last stretch, when it's nearly impossible to switch.

I was having dreams, of seeing him... with dark, nearly black hair like his daddy, but... physically handicapped.  I remember very vividly promising Heavenly Father, that I was okay with that.  Just get him here and I'll be okay with the issues.

Picking his name was not a quick process, I put much thought into it.
I put my heart into it. Like I have with all four of them.
The meaning of Dominic is "belonging to the Lord."

(btw- we did not know any of Aidan or Jace's issues yet.)  

The ultrasounds started showing significant growth decline, problems with the umbilical cord, and the lower half of his body growing even less than his upper.  I kept feeling like something seen in those life light filled ultrasounds was being withheld from me.

32 weeks and I KNEW something was not right with him.  I called the obgyn begging for him to induce me.  He refused.  I was standing in the kitchen, numb yet sick.  Which turned to heavy worry.

2 nights later I woke shaking and scared... no movement.  No matter what I did, I could not get our baby to move.  Rushing to the hospital, we prayed fervently that it was just another false alarm.  We'd had many, with all the boys.

Nothing could have prepared me for the pitch black ultrasound screen.

Death.

I carried him for 5 more days.  Waiting for my parents to come up from AZ, and for a specific nurse that could work with me for the delivery.

I stood outside the car and sobbed, telling my mom I thought it was the meanest thing the world I had to keep carrying him even though he'd passed.  It wasn't that I didn't love him, I so did.  But knowing he wasn't there... it was just a shell inside of me.

But as usual, as we experience things that are so difficult, we learn from them if we allow that to happen... 

The hospital room was bright with sunshine that day we got to see him and say goodbye.
The nurse could not have been sweeter. 

He looked to us like he could just take a breath if they'd work on him a bit.

We had no doubt we were holding one of God's most precious.

Our world still came unglued for little while.

The questions like, "why have us do that if You didn't let him live?"

And oh, were people mean.  We learned who was real and who was not during that time.
If you go back to Sept and Oct 5yrs ago archives, you will be able to see my posts at the time. I think I left a lot out, but you'd see pics and get an idea how I felt then.

Because you see, my feelings have evolved a bit.  We had the same experience taking another leap of faith, with Damon's conception.  I promised again, that I would take a disabled child if that's what He wanted.  Because at that point we knew at least some of Aidan and Jace's disabilities.
A year later the obgyn that ended up on call for Damon's emergency induction was none other than the one I needed to forgive.

And I'm slowly learning that I'm not in control, He is... and to let go to Him more.