So much

So many things on my mind lately.  So many things happening.

But not necessarily the things I wish.

I understand why it must be that way. And I'm getting better at the waiting for calm.

I don't freak out inside as much as I used to- oh what a big ball of knots I used to be.

Yesterday Jace came down with one of those stomach bugs that is apparently meant by the devil himself to kill off our angels.  Because it hit the hardest and fastest I've seen yet.

Within 3 hours he was dehydrated even with drinking lots of water.  It just kept flowing out both his mouth and nose like a waterfall. 103F fever. Obviously, chills.  Diarrhea that instantly put a rash on his bum. 

He wasn't holding down his antibiotic, he wasn't holding a stitch of water down while any that was in him flowing out too, zofran wasn't touching it at all.  I'm sure I'm forgetting something.  All this when he was already on antibiotics for an ear and sinus infection.

So off to the ER for an IV he went.  He just should have a standing IV order for the boys.

Now I have to back up a bit.

For many months, Jace and Aidan have been having increasing potty accidents.  It improves a bit when an AED is increased or added, but then works it's way back to accidents all the time.  I've been doing a lot of laundry. A lot of stripping the beds and changing a soaked and soiled little man in the middle of the night and first thing in the morning. ...blood sugar checks, potty trips, seizures, etc.

Daddy has been doing more than his fair share as well.

The other day I'd finally made the decision to diaper them again.  At least at night.

So I ordered the cloth diapers.  They are really expensive because they are for bigger sized tushes, so I could only buy two, one for each.

Last night, I first asked Aidan how he felt about wearing one, after showing it to him.

He sweetly said, "Oh, yes, that would be very nice."

I thought he'd change his mind after it was ON him.  They are bulky.

But instead, he giggled and said it was so soft and comfy and that he was happy it would keep the accidents from getting on his bed.  (Knowing Aidan, it's probably more that he is happy to keep me from stripping the bed.)

I choked back tears.

The english language, at least what I know of it, sucks.  I cannot find a single word to express how it feels to put your precious little man who used to do things so well, back in diapers... while he accepts it so graciously.

Then I moved on to Jace.  I was surprised by his answer, because I thought he wouldn't care.

Running away from me, he exclaimed, "No! Everyone will make fun of me!"

We explained that no one would see but us.

For now.

I crept back into my room and let the tears run down my face.

Two very different responses, both make my heart ache.

Genetics appt coming up.  Desperate for the rest of us to not get this bug so we can make it.  It's imperative we get there.