Over the years I've noticed a gradual, but marked change.
While there is intense pressure on families within the church to form and cultivate traditions, we have backed away from and even abandon most of the holiday traditions we had.
I get why the general membership is encouraged to amp this up.
The family unit is in need of more time away from electronics and more time with each other. Relationships are falling apart, but traditions build memories and help bind us together.
I feel bad that all the pressure is added to the mothers' plate, as moms are already spread terribly thin. But I do understand the why.
I pray that these mothers will understand the why and not overdo it and add guilt onto their already full plates if they fall short of their wishes for the perfectly checked off holiday tradition list. As long as they focus on the why, and prioritize what they are inspired is most important, when the rest of the list doesn't get done, the Lord will make up for it.
But for us, a family with all of us but one being non-neurotypical... (and I have my suspicions about that one, lol) traditions in the typical sense are more and more difficult to pull off.
Our new holiday traditions?
Keep the day as simple as possible, REST, be patient, stay away from the crowds- of any kind, let the boys have major daddy time, and if we're lucky I feel good enough to make something special. If not, I refuse to beat myself up over it anymore.
Guilt is one of my weaknesses. That has become very clear, in all of this lately.
Guilt can be just as much of stumbling block as sin, so I'm working on it. Guilt has been the main reason I've struggled with depression for so many years. Yes, I'm admitting it.
Depression is an interesting thing. It can hit so hard you can't function and become sort of a lifeless robot, or it can nag constantly in the background while you continue to function. But for a time as a child and once as an adult, I was actually suicidal and in major robot mode. As an adult, I did receive some counseling, but it didn't really help. I just kept shlepping through until the Lord sent some angels to remind me I wasn't forgotten. That was a pivotal point for me.
But what would I feel guilty for, you may ask? Ha! You name it, I've probably felt guilty...
Not being the perfect-sweet-normal-marry in the temple the first time girl and all that went along with why I wasn't. There's 7yrs there of things I wish I could forget, including the images I found on my first husband's computer... they faded a bit over time, but they are still there, and they changed me. Yet another innocence gone that I'd much rather have back.
Not having figured out what was going on with the boys sooner. I realize this was the Drs responsibility, not mine, but I still feel guilt that I must have somehow not gotten the point across well enough.
Not having a degree to have been able to work a better job before we had kids... I had 2-4 jobs, depending on my wages and hours, to make up for that fact, it was exhausting... when I think of all those hours for minimum wage and not much more- ugh.
Not being strong enough to continue working while taking care of these boys.
Not having a super clean house all the time... or ever.
Not being able to be at church every Sunday as a family.
Not doing school with the boys every single weekday.
Not making more meals myself.
Not being able to exercise without sending my body into a funk that just isn't normal at all.
Not eating less sugar, not staying away from diet soda.
Not giving them baths everyday... I'm lucky to bath them once a week. It's true they don't even sweat, so I promise they don't stink. lol It's just an OCD thing of mine.
Not fixing clothes that just need repaired.
Not making it through the day without needing a nap.
Not getting through the day without crying about Aidan, and his brothers.
I seriously could go on and on and on. But do you see a pattern? Most of it I either have no control over, or had no way of knowing, or it's in the past and not re-doable.
And it all has made me who I am today. It all has taught me what I needed to learn, even though it some of it has been really awful to experience.
In fact a lot of what bothers me about my "not doing" and therefore guilt, comes from my OCD and wanting to be control. That I'm having to learn to ignore and let go of, just to survive. We have been in survival mode for years. And it will continue until all of this with the boys' disorder is finished. Hopefully I will be a little less heavy with guilt by then, so that when that day comes,
I can turn my focus to forming a true not for profit to provide needs to those less fortunate than us. It's been our dream for 14yrs.
I can turn my focus to forming a true not for profit to provide needs to those less fortunate than us. It's been our dream for 14yrs.
2 comments:
I think you would be surprised to know just how much you and I are alike, I to have suffered with depression all my life, Your list was much like mine.. I would read and say- oh my gosh me too. Then it got to the part of the non profit- I to would love to do something. After Trent died I had such a serge of energy that I was actually going to advocate for the hospital that's in between Primary Children and "The Big" Hospital- because once these special needs are adults they no longer go to primary's and they get lost in the shuffle- or they end up dead because nobody knew what to do.. in hence Trent. You are so real and so genuine. We are more alike then not. I appreciate your honesty and your bravery for admittance. Many people sit back and pretend the perfection of they can do it all. Your amazing Rachel!
I for one look up to you and know you are an amazing mom and person. I understand what you mean about the guilt though. I fight that internal battle with myself daily and you are right, it's pointless, most of it can't be controlled. I needed to read this today. Thank you!
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