Angry?

I get asked A LOT about being angry about Aidan's death and the whole genetic thing with the boys. 

I get that many do feel this when they are grieving. But I don't.

I get angry when someone hurts my family members. You'll see this short, round, pooh bearish momma turn into red raging bear faster than your brain can process it all, if you hurt my innocent and defenseless boys.

Do I forgive? Of course. That's about me, not anyone else. Just like when I screw up and need to repent of a wrong, the work is my own- not that of who I might have offended or hurt. Both people in such a situation cannot force the other to feel a certain way or do certain things. We only control ourselves.

But being angry over the bigger picture isn't my thing.

I know He has a plan for my little angels, and for me and my husband. I accept that sometimes I have no idea where it's going to lead me, (it's already led me where I NEVER thought I'd be) but I do know ultimately He wants us back with Him. So I feel safe in that.

And even if I took my faith out of it... I'm a logical thinker- I always have to analyze and research things... What good does it do me to be angry about things I have zero control over? None, but wow, it can sure do harm to my whole soul. Bitterness is lonely. I may wish for privacy at times, but I never have wished for being alone in all of this.

What have I felt?

Major loss.  The void created by not being able to see and hear Aidan is immeasurable.  I adored him from the moment I laid eyes on him and that love rapidly intensified as I served him.  Watching him and his brothers lose all their skills and bodily function is gut wrenching.  The pain, the confusion, the suffering that they experience is the worst thing to watch as a parent.  So much so that it becomes physical pain for myself.

I work hard everyday to give them the understanding and love and care they need.  The safe place they desperately need.

Guilt.  For the things I fall short of.  I can always look back and think- I should have done or said such and such... I'm human and I don't always get it all right. I do my best. And pray that the Lord will make up the difference.

So as I continue to navigate through this, I listen to my heart and spirit, allow others in- no matter how awkward it is sometimes, and move forward.