Aidan's Bears

When Aidan was in the PICU, having gone into pulmonary failure and was dying... but was also submitting himself to tests for his brothers sake, he desperately needed comfort.

He certainly wasn't getting it from the staff or medication. I was doing everything I could. But when many of the tests required me to leave him alone with them, that isn't helpful. He slept and woke at different times than me, as well. I found myself woken with alarms countless times daily. Usually emergency level alarms. It was such a high stress situation I lost more than 50% of my hair, imagine how he felt.

When Aidan was a baby, he didn't ever cling to stuffed animals. It was always a helicopter or car. I just thought it was his way. Later I learned it was the calming stim he'd use the propellor or wheel for.

But in the PICU, he suddenly chose a bear. And never let go.

With him passing away in Sept, Christmas and the whole start of it all a year before was very heavy on my mind. I kept feeling so strongly that I must in some way give something back for other children like him. So I contacted Monica, we communicated back and forth until she came up with the bear's design... and then I made a goal of 30 bears for PCMC and 3 for EIRMC. 

I've met the goal.

As we took 18 of them down to PCMC, we saw the "angel rays" Aidan always pointed out, above the mountains. It was a beautiful day. I'm grateful we were able to do this for him. 

I know he knows. 

I added several Herbies for the hospital, as well as Thomas and Curious George that we had extras still in the wrappers. I wanted to stay for a bit and just take in the sun and remember and not be rushed... maybe do some more letting go of the hurt. But we had to get to an appt of my own. Another time I guess.