Almost Full Year

There are plenty of defining moments in a person's life. Mine's no exception. 

The boys' births, loosing Clayton Dominic, Aidan's baptism, loosing my dad...

But... as soon as Aidan passed, all those others, melted away. His disease and death became the defining moment. Knowing that we're going through it all over again with Jace and Damon, being right in the middle of it with Jace, as we come up on the anniversary of Aidan's passing, makes me both worried and grateful. But mostly grateful.

Right after, I was so numb.

Which turned into such a deep void, destructive behavior looked very appealing to me for the first time in my life. I refused to do such a thing to my family, and sought therapy immediately. There is no weakness in this. It is strength, having enough sense to realize we must do something besides nothing.

At first it was really overwhelming to work on the goals... on top of my health issues, take care of my boys, keep a house, not let myself totally go... :)

But I forged forward and it paid off. Eventually my last therapist stopped asking me to make weekly goals, and pointed out that he knew it would have been difficult for anyone with just one of the aspects I was dealing with, but I was dealing with several, that I am a most unusual case. Haha.

So the overwhelming feeling shifted into a feeling of accomplishment. I had met some of my most important goals, I had changed my circumstances, I had taken action. 

I had not allowed my grief to consume me.

Because if we get right down to it,

we are simply choosing whether or not we will be defined by the moment, 

or if we will define it.

So, here I am, coming up on the anniversary. Jace is on hospice and stable, but he has declined. And we are going into the major illness season. Damon is the same, just not on hospice yet.

We took the boys to the monster truck show this last weekend.

They were so excited. On our way, Jace yelled out, "Where's Aidan?!" We explained that he was probably with us, if he could be, but if not, he was in heaven.

Jace loved every minute of it. Damon on the other hand- as soon as it started, freaked.

So I took him out, put him in his wheelchair, while I stood with him below one of the lampposts outside the fence a ways. After the guards and everyone left, and we were alone, two men walked up. As they did, they immediately started touching Damon's head and face.

*Um, no.*

My first thought was, come on, he's my son, not a puppy. I didn't bring him here to pick up guys.

I'm sure my face said this. My face does that. Really. Ask my family and friends, it's awful. 

So anyway, even though I wasn't out right rude, I wasn't nice either.

After several minutes of really annoying conversation, Damon started to make fun of one of the man's shirts and laughing at them. 

Something he's never done before. I was shocked, but grateful. 

Because they left. 

Go Damon. In that moment, that is what we needed. 

I waited until it was almost over before heading back to the car. While waiting in the car, a specific and sweet feeling came over me. Aidan was there.