Comparing

Back up to when I was a teenager, or maybe younger, I can't remember. I'd have to go find my patriarchal blessing to say for sure. And honestly, I'm too tired to get my sorry tush off this bed and look in the closet that's like maybe 30ft away from me. It's Fall. It's cold. I hurt. And I forgot to take my meds yesterday morning. So I'm jolting with electrical zaps every minute. Okay, I'll stop whining. Back to the subject...

I was, let's just say young, when I received my patriarchal blessing. One phrase in it has always stood out for me, and even when I forget what's in it, I always remember this one piece of advice from it. 

Probably because it repeats it a few times. hahaha :)

"Cast out all selfishness."

Well, to a teenager, that just sort of went in one ear and out the other. My whole existence was fairly selfish. In all honesty, even my service within the church was for selfish reasons- you know, so I didn't look selfish. hahaha

Through the years, I've learned more and more what that phrase really means to me. I know I'll continue to. But this last week has shown me, I really need to repent on this area. Because I compare myself to others. Am I a keeping up with Jones sort of person? lol NO. I suppose this is why I didn't think I needed to work on this... but I've been wrong. 

I compare how people react to my children vs how they react to others, I compare how my trials effect me vs others, I compare how my family reacts to us vs others, I compare how I look vs others, I compare my intellect vs others, (this one is especially laughable considering my lack of sleep and O2 right now) the list could go on, I'm sure.

One of my friends dropped everything to spend some time with me. And during that probably 2hrs, I could see at least some of how she'd sacrificed for me, and I watched her little girl innocently bless one of our ailing neighbors, brought me back to memories that helped me see that I compare, and lifted my spirits... two hours... She may not see her impact, but I do. I loved her before, but I have a new found respect for her.

A week before, two more of my friends invited me to a little conference. I appreciated the time out, as I never get to just go out. And for the first time in a long time, things fell right into place to allow it.

The things spoken there went right along with this.
All more proof that our lives naturally provide the steps for us to learn if we just pay attention and accept and choose to take it for what it is.

With all that's been happening the last several years, us barely able to keep our heads above water with the boys and my health, and the isolation it brings, I've felt self absorbed. I've worked to remedy this. But go right back to feeling I'm just not cutting it. For weeks, again, after making a new goal, I've been praying for discernment of other peoples needs. I guess I must be stone dumb, because I haven't had thoughts of how I should take so and so such and such, or do xyz for someone. I have had the thoughts about things for my husband, and maybe he is who needs this attention from me the most right now. Start in your own home kind of thing? hahaha Let's hope that's it, and that I'm not really that dumb. ;)

Life really has been kicking my butt lately. I'm grateful for this sort of lull (really sort of, it's not a cake walk at all for my boys) in their health, because my own has just been such a freakin pain. I've wanted to stop all the appts, tests, listening to absolute garbage, listening to bad news, and hearing things that are supposedly good news but give no real help in figuring it all out. I want answers for me, so I can help them, because there is a clear connection.
Our bills have been out of this world. I will never stop wanting that to go away. As time goes on, providers are less and less willing to work with people. Which is interesting, because they've marked their prices up so high, I know the margin for profit is huge. Greed. Lack of compassion for their fellowmen. The last days. I pray He's coming soon. As I look at our insane choices for a commander in chief, it's pretty obvious. We are headed for war. We are headed for days of basic needs not being met. And it does frighten me. Not because I'm scared of the end result. But because it's my responsibility to take care of these precious littles... I can't bare the thought of not being able to provide their needs. They suffer too much as it is... I know I'm not alone in this concern.

So as I keep moving forward, with their care and mine, I pray for the answers needed, and for their comfort.