The other day, I received news about a few of Aidan's care packages. I rarely get such info because of typically dropping them off at the PICU. So being able to get a tiny glimpse of Aidan's impact is pure joy and makes me feel less zombie-ish. I'm not referring to the silly but true, "mombie" who is dragging herself around caring for her little brood of energy and brain sucking munchkins.
I'm talking about an entirely different breed.
I'm talking about an entirely different breed.
Later in the day though, I received other news. But it is the kind I'd much rather flush down the toilet. As it all continues to sink in, I'm remembering and realizing certain things. Decades ago, in more than one setting, I was warned this very sort of thing would happen right here in our country that had been so thoughtfully molded through the years to care a little more, for more of us. Perfect? Of course not. But I believe it was as close to it as us selfish and stupid human beings can get. Our history of deceit and anguish is repeating itself. The very things we learned not to allow power again. Apparently time and misdirected focus has faded the impact of those lessons learned so many years ago. Though I understood and knew such a prediction was true, I never really thought it would be in my lifetime, let alone actually effect my loved ones, my own babies, and me, so directly.
All these years, since being specifically warned what their lives would entail, I've planned, executed, all in, for improving the quality of my boys lives. We gained some ground, briefly. Then it was all stripped away, and a giant piece of our hearts and spirit taken. Now, again, the vicious cycle continues. Only this time, I'm sick too. And there's nothing I can do about it, because the insurance and drug companies stand in the way of desperately needed treatment. An increasing common denominator among those with any medical issues.
Even my precious 7yr old, with his limited studies and vocabulary, can figure it out.
I think Damon put it best the other morning... In his especially weak voice he slowly explained, "I want the past to stay away from the future, so all the pain can go away."
Later that night, as I was telling my gracious mom about the latest, a question of hers made me realize something. And it was reiterated when one of my new Drs asked, "how can you speak about all this so calmly and easily?" This hell and all the explanations of it is second nature to me. It just flows, simply because it is such a powerful experience that effects literally every choice... it swallows whole. Not because we are weak, or self absorbed, but because in order to keep going and not shrivel inside making choices while ignoring it, we have to accept it entirely to make those decisions more appropriately. Therapy did teach me something... My own spirit and other's guilt is not worth keeping it all secret.
Meanwhile I'm seeing more and more people get all angry and truly worked up, picking fights with their neighbors and coworkers and the person who just was in the news for choices that they don't agree with even though it doesn't effect their own life directly whatsoever.. all over the most, (I'm just going to say it) worthless things. Making huge assumptions. Expecting those who they know very little if anything about, to cater to their own every, little, verbalized or often silent demands. Because, for goodness sake! They should be able to do that, all it requires is ____! They should know better! They aren't firm enough with their kids! They are too firm with their kids! They are just being inconsiderate of my needs! Why don't they just ______?! They are so selfish and lazy!... Huh? How would any of us know? Do we know all details of that family's lives and what brought them to the situation at hand? Do we know all efforts and resources they have exhausted? Do we know their motives to all things done and seemingly undone? Have we even tried to find out? Is it any of that even necessary to find out? I know, I used to participate in it. When I used to have time and room for it. Now, I'm lucky to notice a poop pile on my lawn just in enough time to not step in it. I no longer have the time and room in my heart to curse over the owner of the dog who left it for not keeping their dog out of my yard and wonder how I can make them stop. Because I shouldn't and can't. It's of no real consequence.
But I do have room and time to do notice the amazing, wonderful, thoughtful, kind, talented things they do for others. I do have room to thank them. I do have room to pray and fast for them, because they have hard things to deal with. I do have room to share something that is needed. I do have room to listen to their joys and heartaches. I do have room to continue Aidan's light. I do have room to care about what really matters... their heart and spirit.
I'm not saying I'm choosing to be a doormat. Rather, I'm trying to pick the battles that really matter.
And then preparing emotionally and spiritually to lose. Because no matter who we are, and what it's about, we don't truly own it.
Everything is His. And the only thing that is His, that is truly ours, is ourselves.
*Disclaimer- I know darn well I'm not perfect, and that I slip into these thoughts sometimes. And then I realize I really don't have the time or heart for it. It's a work in progress and requires constant evaluation.
All these years, since being specifically warned what their lives would entail, I've planned, executed, all in, for improving the quality of my boys lives. We gained some ground, briefly. Then it was all stripped away, and a giant piece of our hearts and spirit taken. Now, again, the vicious cycle continues. Only this time, I'm sick too. And there's nothing I can do about it, because the insurance and drug companies stand in the way of desperately needed treatment. An increasing common denominator among those with any medical issues.
Even my precious 7yr old, with his limited studies and vocabulary, can figure it out.
I think Damon put it best the other morning... In his especially weak voice he slowly explained, "I want the past to stay away from the future, so all the pain can go away."
Later that night, as I was telling my gracious mom about the latest, a question of hers made me realize something. And it was reiterated when one of my new Drs asked, "how can you speak about all this so calmly and easily?" This hell and all the explanations of it is second nature to me. It just flows, simply because it is such a powerful experience that effects literally every choice... it swallows whole. Not because we are weak, or self absorbed, but because in order to keep going and not shrivel inside making choices while ignoring it, we have to accept it entirely to make those decisions more appropriately. Therapy did teach me something... My own spirit and other's guilt is not worth keeping it all secret.
Meanwhile I'm seeing more and more people get all angry and truly worked up, picking fights with their neighbors and coworkers and the person who just was in the news for choices that they don't agree with even though it doesn't effect their own life directly whatsoever.. all over the most, (I'm just going to say it) worthless things. Making huge assumptions. Expecting those who they know very little if anything about, to cater to their own every, little, verbalized or often silent demands. Because, for goodness sake! They should be able to do that, all it requires is ____! They should know better! They aren't firm enough with their kids! They are too firm with their kids! They are just being inconsiderate of my needs! Why don't they just ______?! They are so selfish and lazy!... Huh? How would any of us know? Do we know all details of that family's lives and what brought them to the situation at hand? Do we know all efforts and resources they have exhausted? Do we know their motives to all things done and seemingly undone? Have we even tried to find out? Is it any of that even necessary to find out? I know, I used to participate in it. When I used to have time and room for it. Now, I'm lucky to notice a poop pile on my lawn just in enough time to not step in it. I no longer have the time and room in my heart to curse over the owner of the dog who left it for not keeping their dog out of my yard and wonder how I can make them stop. Because I shouldn't and can't. It's of no real consequence.
But I do have room and time to do notice the amazing, wonderful, thoughtful, kind, talented things they do for others. I do have room to thank them. I do have room to pray and fast for them, because they have hard things to deal with. I do have room to share something that is needed. I do have room to listen to their joys and heartaches. I do have room to continue Aidan's light. I do have room to care about what really matters... their heart and spirit.
I'm not saying I'm choosing to be a doormat. Rather, I'm trying to pick the battles that really matter.
And then preparing emotionally and spiritually to lose. Because no matter who we are, and what it's about, we don't truly own it.
Everything is His. And the only thing that is His, that is truly ours, is ourselves.
*Disclaimer- I know darn well I'm not perfect, and that I slip into these thoughts sometimes. And then I realize I really don't have the time or heart for it. It's a work in progress and requires constant evaluation.
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