As I see more and more finger pointing, excess, meanness, crudeness, and lying going on around me and particularly on Facebook, I'm left wondering if I should be on there. I feel like maybe my tender sweet angel boys don't belong there. Like maybe they are too pure... like their precious posts just get lost in the sea of nastiness. That it's not worth it.
I don't, after all, owe anyone.
I am only responsible to my babies. And God.
Windy night, while I was in tremendous pain. Don't care if this seems morbid to others, they are my babies. I love how his stone turned too. I was trying really hard not to cry. No one wants to see me crying all the time even though it's what I feel like doing quite often. Mostly because of what all these other people keep saying and expecting of me. People who don't even know me. People who didn't even know Aidan. Just reading my posts about him did not give anyone enough information to know him. Even a few people coming into our home, didn't know him because they were choosing to not listen or watch him, but had their own agenda. Then there are those who do know him. And his brothers. They know who they are. I'm not trying to push anyone away here. It's just the truth.
At the same time, I have many (not just on social media) that insist I need to do more for myself. I understand this means gets rest, get to the Dr, get out... a rounded approach... I know some of these saying so actually care. Some are just trying to stir up trouble, and want me to do things that will somehow show selfishness- sadly, I've learned this over and over.
Interesting thing is, the ones who do know me, really do know, I do put myself last. Every, time. The boys needs are always taken care of before mine and Lincoln's. Period.
Interesting thing is, the ones who do know me, really do know, I do put myself last. Every, time. The boys needs are always taken care of before mine and Lincoln's. Period.
First, I can't get out much. "Girls night" just isn't in my vocabulary. In fact it's laughable. I'm lucky to get a ride with my neighbor a few times a year. That's not a typo, yes, that's year.
Date night is a little more of a priority right now that we know we can and won't be able to later. Get it in while we can, sort of thing.
I'm working on my health. One by one, I'm getting the procedures done. It's tedious and time consuming though. Insurance is giving us trouble, so we go at as fast a pace we'd like either.
Church is a nightmare for my head.
Allow me to get side tracked- I immediately am brought back to when the boys started freaking out at church. It was embarrassing. I thought I was failing as a mother. So many people were judgmental. I was even told off by some elderly women, with venom. Which shocked me... we'd even asked my sweet friend for help that Sunday. As the stink of the woman's words hit me, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I begged Lincoln to take me to the car and just let me be. I let the tears roll down my cheeks. My precious babies, and I, had just as much a right to be there, as she did. Never in my life would I utter such meanness to someone. In fact, I hardly notice when other's children are annoying. I may have when I didn't have children yet. But having kids embarrasses you into reality... I suppose she had forgotten what it was like, and felt her own icky. Which we all seem to be having in some form.
Anyway, that's not why it's a nightmare. I got over that even though it probably doesn't sound like it, haha. That's just not what this post is about... It's a nightmare for sensory reasons. I had no idea my poor boys were having issues with the lighting, sound, temps, movement, etc. Pretty much everything about the building, would require intense doses of Ativan to get through. Which none of us are on right now, so isn't happening. ;)
I did choose to use therapy for a while. Since all the testing started, I haven't been back though. I'd really like to still be going. There is no shame in this. It is necessary to be able to stay mentally stable and think clearly through such stressful times. I want to go back when the testing is over. I hope I can.
I buried my oldest child, after burying my stillborn, and my other two are dying in front of me, while I am getting sicker.
Not exactly a normal life right there no matter how you try to sugar it up.
So when I do express a feeling overwhelming, friends or family minimizing it is not helpful.
I've really been blessed to somehow manage make it through the boys stuff, in spite of my own health freaking out. This is me and Jace at one of his appts.
Drawing, before Damon flipped out and removed it.
Jace lost three teeth this last month. Finally! The boy is 7, nearly 8. I thought we'd have to take him and have them removed...
Some of pirate loot. He caught him in the act. ;)
Damon's new adaptive stroller. All decked out in yellow.
This kid loves cottage cheese.
One of the blue chairs I ordered for the boys for the basement playroom. They love them!
A me thing. To remember Aidan, obviously. Totally worth the $25!
Yes, he's allowed crunchy fries. Per his Drs. Don't give me crap about it people! :) His formula is a gluten free, packed full of all the nutrients he is required, and I make sure he gets it everyday. He's dying, he's allowed some "taste" to not hate what's left of life.
This cutie has been showing me tons of hearts lately. <3>
Same thing for the chips and soda! ;) Dr. Okayed.
New, way too big for Damon jackets.
To get it to fit around Jace, it's way to long in the arms and down to his knees. Hahahaha
Caught Jace admiring himself in the mirror the other night, it was adorable! The kid cracks me up!
Beans for breakfast... hahaha
Poor Jace misses his bunny. Sandy just doesn't cut it... dog behavior bugs him. Sunny would just sit still for him. Sandy won't since the whole two months in the hospital thing with Aidan. It untrained everything but the potty on demand. :/
I can't remember what he was doing. It had something to do with telling dad to stay away from me, that he wanted to marry me. Meanwhile I couldn't even keep my eyes open. He's done a lot of that lately, asking me to marry him. I reply, I'm already married to daddy. That's how you're here. Hahaha. Poor kiddo, not only doesn't get it, I would not be doing him any favors trying to explain that one in depth to him right now. Everyone's 7 is different.
And one of the reason's I love mine so very much!!!
So as I end this very disjointed post, I guess what it does come to is, yes, I do care. I do care about taking care of myself, it just clearly isn't the popular way of doing it. I don't go out getting my hair and nails done. I don't go out for a girl's night. I don't even get on the husband dates as often as we should under the circumstances. I finally got away to have my hair done. It's been since Aidan passed. That's 7 months.
What I do do is get a nap and a shower when I can.
Those are seriously awesome feats sometimes for me.
Church is a nightmare for my head.
Allow me to get side tracked- I immediately am brought back to when the boys started freaking out at church. It was embarrassing. I thought I was failing as a mother. So many people were judgmental. I was even told off by some elderly women, with venom. Which shocked me... we'd even asked my sweet friend for help that Sunday. As the stink of the woman's words hit me, I couldn't hold it in anymore. I begged Lincoln to take me to the car and just let me be. I let the tears roll down my cheeks. My precious babies, and I, had just as much a right to be there, as she did. Never in my life would I utter such meanness to someone. In fact, I hardly notice when other's children are annoying. I may have when I didn't have children yet. But having kids embarrasses you into reality... I suppose she had forgotten what it was like, and felt her own icky. Which we all seem to be having in some form.
Anyway, that's not why it's a nightmare. I got over that even though it probably doesn't sound like it, haha. That's just not what this post is about... It's a nightmare for sensory reasons. I had no idea my poor boys were having issues with the lighting, sound, temps, movement, etc. Pretty much everything about the building, would require intense doses of Ativan to get through. Which none of us are on right now, so isn't happening. ;)
I did choose to use therapy for a while. Since all the testing started, I haven't been back though. I'd really like to still be going. There is no shame in this. It is necessary to be able to stay mentally stable and think clearly through such stressful times. I want to go back when the testing is over. I hope I can.
I buried my oldest child, after burying my stillborn, and my other two are dying in front of me, while I am getting sicker.
Not exactly a normal life right there no matter how you try to sugar it up.
So when I do express a feeling overwhelming, friends or family minimizing it is not helpful.
To get it to fit around Jace, it's way to long in the arms and down to his knees. Hahahaha
So as I end this very disjointed post, I guess what it does come to is, yes, I do care. I do care about taking care of myself, it just clearly isn't the popular way of doing it. I don't go out getting my hair and nails done. I don't go out for a girl's night. I don't even get on the husband dates as often as we should under the circumstances. I finally got away to have my hair done. It's been since Aidan passed. That's 7 months.
What I do do is get a nap and a shower when I can.
Those are seriously awesome feats sometimes for me.
I still haven't decided about Facebook. Each week I nearly click deactivate account. I have the obvious reasons for staying. It's the fastest way to share what's happening with the boys with my family and friends. But the problem with that... Sadly, in this day and age, I don't know who the real friends are.
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